Apples of Gold

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Published on Friday, 01 April 2011 00:00

APPLES of gold

Are you or your spouse "starving" to hear something good from the other? Have you ever innocently said something to your spouse and been surprised by their response? You might wonder where their hurt look or verbal response came from. As a loving spouse, you want them to flourish in their relationship with Jesus. Good communication is a very important part of that work! “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver. As an earring of gold, and an ornament of fine gold, so is a wise reprover upon an obedient ear.” Proverbs 25:11-12

What does it mean when we talk about words “fitly spoken”? Simply put, it means to speak the right "word" in the right way (that is, with the right heart) at the right time. They are "seasonably" spoken. On the other hand, “fitly” can also mean NOT speaking a word that doesn't fit with the right way, time, or circumstance. To state it plainly, you hold your tongue.

Communication consists of these major parts: Speaking, Message, Hearing, Barriers, Interpreting, Responding. Let's look at each of these parts.

Speaking: Communication between the husband and wife consists of a “sender” and a “receiver.” Although we call this first part “speaking,” the sender's message can often be non-verbal. For example, a wife has just placed a new dish in front of her husband. She hopes he likes it. He takes the first bite and grimaces. That's a message, isn't it? We should also be aware of our non-verbal messages and be aware that they matter!

Message: The thought or concept sent from sender to receiver. Problems can result when what we say differs from what they hear!

Hearing: Although we call this third part “hearing,” seeing and reading also fall under this category. In marriage, the “message” is often not received clearly. Something happened between its sending and receiving. That takes us to the next part, the barriers.

Barriers: For good communication to occur, I want my message to make it to others with no misunderstanding. Our adversary is a prime example of a barrier; one who certainly doesn't want marriages to flourish. “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world.” 1 Peter 5:8-9

Fear can be a barrier, so humble yourself and pray! Are you afraid? Then you find that you don't say what you're supposed to say. Then there is a missed opportunity for the Lord to do some work through that conversation. “The fear of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe.” Proverbs 29:25

Our attitude toward God, our spouse, as well as toward others, is another potential barrier to good communication. If we hold on to lust, pride, judgment, wrath, anger, or feelings of insecurity, our attitude suffers. When our attitude suffers, our ability to clearly send or receive a message is tainted. Our attitude can also be choked with cares, anxiety, or riches and pleasures of this life. “For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever.” 1 John 2:16-17

Interpreting: Evaluate the message. What did they mean? Filter what you heard through God's Word! “For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.” Philippians 2:13

You may ask, “What did they mean when they said that?” Maybe your interpretation didn't match the sender's intention.

Responding: This key part of the communication process has to do with speaking and doing. This is the active part, and it can make or break a relationship. Remember, "fitly" can mean not speaking a word that doesn't fit the right way or time or thing. You do speak the right word in the right way (that is, with the right heart) in the right time, or else hold your tongue. “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:29-32

When tempers run hot, it's time to get away. Leave the room for a while and give some space. Pray, consider, then return. Ask for wisdom. (James 1:5: “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God…”) Be filled with His wisdom. Then, and only then, speak (or not). Let your response be loving, honest, and pleasing to the Lord! “A Soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness. The eyes of the Lord are in every place, beholding the evil and the good. A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit.” Proverbs 15:1-4

Sometimes, what you say may seem to "tear down" your spouse. It's not what you say, it's how you say it. Be aware of your surroundings. Are other people around? Maybe that's not the place to talk about something between you and your spouse. You might be comfortable in such and such a place, but they might not be comfortable with it at all. Model your marriage to and for others. You are an example for good, or bad, whether you like it or not! People watch people! “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” Proverbs 18:21

We need to make sure we have good motives when communicating. Here are some questions you can ask yourself before speaking to your spouse. What's important to you? Do you follow through, acting in ways pleasing to the Lord, as shown in Scripture? Does God's character shine through? What if you knew someone was always watching you and listening to whatever you said? How would that affect you? What are my expectations? What am I doing? Why am I doing it? What am I looking to receive? What am I trying to make happen? Am I looking to exert some sort of control?

As we pray and press into His Word, He changes our hearts and blesses us with a new attitude and better relationships. “For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12

May the Lord bless you all as you speak those fitting words to your spouse!