Do I Have a Right to be Happy? Fulfilled? Satisfied?
- Details
- Published on Sunday, 02 October 2011 00:00
by Ben and Teresa Hiwale
Inevitably in marriage, an over-the-top of the roll marries an up-from-the-bottom type person, and the toilet paper becomes the focus of many a power struggle. Squeezing the toothpaste is where this tension plays out. Do you squeeze from the bottom? Squeeze from the middle? Put the cap back on? Wash off the screw-on threads before screwing the toothpaste cap back on? Or do you really not care?
When we married, we were both under the naive impression that everyone did things the way our parents and siblings did. That wasn’t just the right way, it was the only way. We never noticed that other people did things other ways, so we were quite surprised. Toothpaste, toilet paper, arguments, power – how were we to work these out?
Reading what the Bible has to say on marriage – its purpose, expectations and function, and how it works best – I have great appreciation for two people trying to work out their differences to become a united team as husband and wife. I believe that once the foundation has been set – who is in charge of what area, the submission questions, what we’ll believe, where we’ll spend our time and money, etc. – then the rest of marriage is about kindness: making that daily choice to extend those little kindnesses to each other to make life easier, nicer, more fun, and to feel appreciated.
The Word of God needs to be the foundation of your marriage, and there needs to be an agreement that you will continue to be faithful, committed, best friends throughout your marriage. Love in action means finding out what means so much to your spouse and helping to make it happen (laying down one’s life for another – John 15:13). Little kindnesses help you persevere through all the hardships you face. Though not specifically referring to marriage, Romans 12:10 also gives us a clue to building a great union: Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor. So we seedevotion, love, preference, and honor are necessary.
After we choose how our marriages will function best and the foundation we want to build on, then we can move on to the exciting part of actually living out our ideals: making the most of our partnership and finding ways to make our relationship fun. Little kindnesses are the way we’ve found to make marriage the most exciting endeavor we have dared plunge into! Ready for the dive?
More Foundational Marriage Verses:
1 Peter 3:1-2, 7-8 (The Living Bible for verse 1)
In 1 Corinthians 7 we find some poignant words: One who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife. And a few verses later: One who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. These verses don’t specifically talk about hygiene rules, but they allude to these all-encompassing questions: Who wins? Who matters most? And the best answer is: Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor. (Romans 12:10) In other words, not pushing for my way, but instead finding out my spouse’s way, sharing my preferences, and then deciding together which one makes sense for our union.
Your Closets
Depending on what profession you are in (or maybe you are a person who likes to stay in style), your colors, styles, and fit could be important to you. Your closet may boast of neatness. So to keep everything straight, all your clothes are hung with the fronts facing towards the right and it makes your closet – and your life – flow more smoothly. As Murphy’s Law would have it, you married an “I do not care about styles, colors or fit, and I like my clothes facing left” person. You realize that this could become a big deal - an “I have my rights and my way, and this benefits, not only my personal life, but my business life as well!” kind of deal. However, as you think through the whole scenario and the repercussions this battle could have in your lives, it should seem silly to demand your own way. It is merely personal preference, not rocket science, and you have several options available: 1. Choose your way; 2. Choose your spouse’s way; 3. Each choose your own way. Option #3 probably won’t seem too time-efficient, especially to the one doing the laundry. So without your spouse even knowing it, you choose to change your direction. It was easy, it saved time in the long run, and it never had a chance oftoppling your union.
Is It Really That Important?
When we closely dissect these points of power struggle, they are actually minor. Sometimes in marriage, however, we let our desire for dominance be won or lost in such miniscule arenas. To put it in perspective, in the face of cancer, does it really matter what the toothpaste tube looks like? When a spouse is deployed overseas to fight the war on terrorism, does the direction of the toilet paper have any place in our thoughts? So next time you face an area of potential power plays, how about making it a win-win scenario? Separate toothpaste tubes for all!
Establish a one-on-one time each day with your spouse to discuss your children. Who needs time with daddy? How is our special son doing in school? Who needs to begin with the orthodontist next? Schedule another time to pray and read the Word everyday. If we are struggling for dominion in the minor areas, we can’t move on to work together as a powerful force to impact our spheres and make our lives run more smoothly.
There is an insightful verse in Genesis about the power of people talking things through to accomplish goals: And the Lord said, “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.” (11:6) As a couple, choose to “speak the same language” and make plans that nothing can stop. Let’s work together to make a dynamic union that empowers each of us to live a life that counts. Let’s find solutions to the mundane so we can get on to the exciting job of living the life we want.
Are you in a really hard place? Have you told God you were done? You don’t have the strength to keep going. I remember Him impressing my heart with a thought I never had before: “Ben, you will only experience My resurrection power if you are willing to die to yourself and rely on Me.” You must stay in the shadow of the cross. Picture the shadow of His cross over you. You can almost feel the resurrection power that raised Jesus from the dead rise up in you and give you strength to keep going. In the shadow of the cross, I was reminded that day that: I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. (Galatians 2:20)
Jesus did not die on the cross just to get us out of hell and into heaven. He died on the cross to get Himself out of heaven and into us! It's what we were made for! That is why we long for glory. The truth is, we were created to reveal glory – just not our own. God created us in His image to reveal His glory by giving visibility to His invisible character within us. Christ in us IS the hope of glory (Colossians 1:27).
Oh, how the world needs to see, feel, and experience Jesus! God wants to give us confidence in Christ that others can see, so they will want Him for themselves. It's time that we, God's children, let Jesus have His way in our lives. Let's make a promise that every time doubt casts its shadow over us, we will run back to Jesus, turn toward the light, and stand in the shadow of the cross where everything changes. In the shadow of the cross:
• When you feel inadequate, God says: You are CHOSEN. “You are my witnesses,” declares the LORD, “and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he.” (Isaiah 43:10)
• When you feel afraid, God says: You are REDEEMED. "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." (Isaiah 43:1).
• When you feel unloved, God says: You are LOVED. "You are precious and honored in my sight, and ... I love you." (Isaiah 43:4)
• When you feel forgotten, God says: You are REMEMBERED. "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands." (Isaiah 49:16)
• When you feel insecure, God says: You are SECURE. "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders." (Deuteronomy 33:12)
• When you feel unable or unstable, God says: You are ABLE. "The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights." (Habakkuk 3:19)
• When you feel worthless, God says: You are CALLED. "You are a chosen [marriage], a royal [family], a holy [son & daughter], God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light." (1 Peter 2:9)
Is God Enough?
As we live in the power of God's promises, we will still have struggles. Don't ever let doubt convince you that you are not a strong Christian or that you will never have a confident heart because you still struggle. As we develop the marriage God wants us to have, and more importantly become the man and woman God created and called us to be, we will still go through times when we have questions and doubts. Sometimes we may even ask, Is God enough? It's a question that my life circumstances force me to keep going back to. What I've concluded is that not only is God enough, but He has to be enough. I've also concluded that it takes effort on my part to keep myself aware of this.
As a young child, I didn't realize my need for God, but I did realize that I had a need that was not fulfilled. As I grew older and began to move from being a Christian who simply believed to a Christian who was actively involved with Jesus, my life began to change. Because I was having conversations with Him directly and reading His Word consistently, my life was challenged. I learned that when the hard knocks came, and they did, I needed to ask myself one question in order to move on: "Is God enough?"
• When a friend betrays me, is God enough?
• When I need to forgive someone for something that seems unforgivable, is God enough?
• When my child is having issues that are out of my control, is God enough?
• When my marriage is on the brink of destruction, is God enough?
• When I am not forgiven by another person, is God enough?
• When my mother is dying of cancer, is God enough?
• When others don't recognize my value, is God enough?
• When I am struggling professionally, is God enough?
• When someone I love uses words to hurt me, is God enough?
• When I am in debt and don't know how I'll pay my bills, is God enough?
• When I am reminded of something I did in the past, is God enough?
• When the world is in turmoil, is God enough?
• When my health is declining, is God enough?
• When I am let down and disappointed in my life, is God enough?
Principles to Keep Christ at the Center of Your Home
God has a purpose for our lives and for the homes where we spend those lives. Jesus Christ came to earth to fulfill apurpose. If we will practice the following principles, Christ and His purposes for our lives will truly be at the center of our home:
1. Remember the Builder. Construction workers transformed piles of wood into the walls of our house. They did this byfollowing the builder’s plans. Likewise, we will need to fill the rooms of our home according to the Builder’s design - with love, and wisdom, and understanding. For every house is built by someone, but the builder of all things is God. Hebrews 3:4
2. Seek knowledge. Ask God to give you wisdom and understanding in your relationships and decisions. It will take spiritual wisdom and understanding to transform your house into a Christ-centered home. And that knowledge can only come from God. ...We have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding. Colossians 1:9
3. Be on the alert for evil. Satan does not want us, our friends, or loved ones to follow Jesus. There are thieves in this world who want to rob and take what is not theirs, and there are spiritual dangers that will attempt to invade our home. We will need to be on the alert for evil and not allow it to enter. Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8
4. Follow God’s directions. As we follow God’s directions in our home, we will be filled with His joy. God gives us cleardirections for each day that are found in His Word. When we follow His precepts, we will be filled with His joy. I will meditate on Your precepts and regard Your ways …Your statutes are my songs in the house of my pilgrimage. Psalm 119:15, 54
5. Keep God’s bigger picture in mind. As we seek our neighbors’ good before our own, we will model Christ to a watching world. As each house is unique, so too are the individuals who live near us. If we truly follow Christ’s example, we will look at the big picture as we interact with our neighbors. How will what we say and do impact their thoughts of Christ? In 1 Corinthians 13:5 the Bible says that love cares more for others than for self. That means that I need to care more about showing God’s love to my new neighbors than pleasing myself. For the sake of the house of the Lord our God, I will seek your good. Psalm 122:9
6. Live in unity. Harmony and peace will mark my home and relationships when my actions match Christ’s desires. It would be terrible if an earthquake destroyed our home, but it would be far worse if misunderstanding and confusion split our hearts apart. Living in unity is the mark of a home centered on Jesus Christ. If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25
7. Seek understanding. As I seek to understand others in my house, it will become a Christ-centered home. Material possessions do not transform a house into a home. It takes understanding to center (establish) it on Christ. By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. Proverbs 24:3-4
8. Ask God to bless your home. And let others know of His faithfulness. May it please You to bless the house of Your servant … 2 Samuel 7:29
9. Choose every day to serve the Lord. No matter what our culture says, we will choose God’s ways. Every day we choose whether we will serve ourselves or the Lord. Will we be selfish or selfless? Will we be patient and kind, or jealous and rude? Choose for yourselves today whom you will serve … but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. Joshua 24:15
10. Remember that the Master of your home [the Lord] will return. Be aware each day that your house ultimately belongs to the Lord. You may live in your house for a year, decades, or more. One day the Lord will return and ask how you used His house. Was it a haven for the weary? Did you tell others about Jesus within its walls? Will you be found faithful? Will you fulfill the purpose God has for your home? "It is like a man away on a journey, who upon leaving his house and putting his slaves in charge, assigning to each one his task, also commanded the doorkeeper to stay on the alert. Therefore, be on the alert—for you do not know when the master of the house is coming …” Mark 13:34,35
(Referencing Mary Larmoyeux, July 12, 2011 article and Melissa Taylor, July, 2010 article)
Remember, the Marriage Ministry team is here to support you in this exciting and fulfilling commitment known as marriage!