Good Marriages Do Not Just "Happen"
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- Published on Wednesday, 01 February 2012 00:00
Good Marriages Do Not Just “Happen”
Marriage is the most significant means for training a man and a woman to illustrate Christ. It is the first institution that God Himself established (Genesis 2:18,23-25). Every day of marriage is a new adventure in which God is trying to teach us something. God doesn’t necessarily want it to be easy, but if we’re one with another, then we’ll be able to hear what God is saying to us and learn together.
Sometimes we forget in the “everydayness” of life that God cares more about our character than He does about our comfort. In a marriage we’ll continually find areas of our lives together that God wants to use to teach us what it means to love someone sacrificially. Our marriages are to be visible pictures of Christ’s sacrificial love for His church (Ephesians 5:28-32). And for that to occur, we must “die to self” every day of our lives so Christ may live in and through us.
If Good Marriages do not just happen, then we want ask ourselves some questions.
What is involved in “dying to self”? How does a man put his own “flesh” to death? 2nd Corinthians 7:1 clearly exhorts us to, “purge ourselves of the filthiness of the flesh and spirit...” Do we even recognize when and how our flesh manifests itself in various ways in our everyday lives? Knowing these things would enable us to understand what is necessary to put our flesh to death, and allow us to acquire greater spiritual strength.
What is involved in a husband understanding his own human spirit well enough to qualify him to be a Christ-like spiritual leader? Proverb 25:28 requires that a man understand his own human spirit, warning him about the trouble he will encounter if he does not, “...have rule over his own spirit...” If we do not recognize or understand our own human spirit (our “flesh”), how can we build spiritual maturity in ourselves or in those for whom we are spiritually responsible?
What is necessary before a man is actually capable of literally understanding the mind of a woman as Christ would and does? This capability would enable a man to discover even more about spiritual leadership and spiritual power. 1st Peter 3:7 commands that we live with our wives in an understanding way, “that (our) prayers be not hindered.”
What is involved in a man developing the ability to actually illustrate Christ to his wife in his everyday life? We know that Christ is spiritually mature! Ephesians 5:23-27 requires that we be like Christ to our wives. Romans 8:29 also requires that we be conformed to the image of God’s Son. If we are struggling in our marriages, and the evidence clearly illustrates that there is a lack of harmony and oneness, then Christ-likeness is missing.
As for the wife, she needs to be honest with her husband, and tell him how he’s affecting her and the kids. This is very difficult for the wife to do. She has to be willing to risk herself with her husband, giving input about his diet, about his tone of voice with the kids, about his pace of life or work habits, about everything. It's important for the wife to realize that she's not just to give input in any old manner possible, but to give it in a Christ-honoring "husband-honoring" way.
The Bible tells us to "speak the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15). It also says that "a soft answer turns away wrath" (Proverbs 15:1), and this is especially true when discussing something that could be interpreted as "nagging". Don't just blurt out what's on your mind; be careful and prayerful about how you deliver it so it can be received as graciously as it's given.
Only the wife can say, “I would rather live with less money and house, and have more of you.” That’s really hard to do and I don’t envy having to be a wife. The husband can make his wife’s job easier by being willing to hear what she has to say. I can make it easier for my wife if I’m concerned about my attitudes, about being Christ-like and being teachable, rather than getting defensive.
One starting point in making and maintaining a good marriage is spending time together. That sounds simple enough – a date night here and there, an occasional movie. But by “spending time together” I mean at least 30 minutes a day, giving undivided attention to your spouse, just to maintain your marriage relationship. More time is needed if you’re in the process of just building or repairing your marriage. It has to be prioritized and specific. If it’s not, you just won’t get the time you need. This means scheduled time with the TV turned off, the kids in bed, no telephone, all distractions eliminated: one-on-one time of real communication with your spouse. It’s very difficult to do in our culture; yet if we don’t spend the time growing and cultivating the marriage, it causes disharmony and hurt. Both husband and wife are changing and need to take (and MAKE) the time to grow together. If we don’t get that time, we pay a huge price. We lose connection with our spouse.
One of the pitfalls common to Christian marriages is husbands and wives confusing spiritual “busyness” with genuine spirituality. We spend a lot of time doing, rather than being like Christ. We go to church, and do this and do that in ministry, and try to measure our spirituality by those things, rather than allowing the fruits of the Spirit to be the evidence of our spirituality. Our marriage becomes a byproduct of what’s going on in our lives spiritually. If we experience joy in our spiritual life, then we’ll see joy in our marriage. But too often we’re busy doing spiritual things and we don’t experience a spirit of contentment over our role in God’s economy, in what God has called us to do.
In addition to spending scheduled, uninterrupted time together daily, husbands should get in the habit of praising their wives on an ongoing, daily basis. Men need to learn to recognize positive character traits on a regular basis and to learn to build up their wives.
We need to tell them how valuable and special they are. We need to make our wives feel appreciated and confident, like Christ would do. But are we willing to sacrifice the time, thought and effort it takes to do this? This is “dying to self”, but it can produce much fruitfulness in both you and your wife.
Do you know what resource we can use to discover when, where, or how we are not Christ-like? What resource can help us discipline ourselves so we would more effectively illustrate Christ to everyone? Next month we will continue by availing ourselves of the wisdom of God’s timeless Word to help us grow in Christ as the husbands and wives who reflect and honor Him.
The Marriage Ministry Team prays for you, your marriages and families. Regardless of where you have been, what you are doing, it is our desire that you will reach out when there is a need. We are available and ready to serve you by God’s grace. Don’t let anything stop you from enjoying the marriage you should be experiencing and living!